It's been three weeks, I haven't change playlist on my music jukebox. It's Lily Allen. Perhaps played hundred times. Again and again. It starts boring, but I have no idea another song to play. Lazy to choose and pick, lazy to think. Lazy. I admit that. Lazy.

Ouch! How could be fast?! It's 6.40 pm. It means I have wasted my one and half hours laying on my bed and staring wall before I decided turn on my computer. O... I hate myself. And now...Why I choose to be here. Feel so weird. DA's now becoming such my diary. No. Not diary. It's rather like...room to escape to.
Actually, my brain works slow this time. Heavy to write. Rather sleepy. But if I don't write something now, I'll get big acne tomorrow. Wahahahh..

I'm in confused situation. I even don't understand my circumstance. Wanna cry, need a shoulder, but... I don't wanna involve anybody this time. Just keep that alone. Become silent. Hmmh..No it’s not silent. It’s better become cheerful pretender. If I’m too silent, people around me always know I'm in problem. That's me, a stupid expressionist. Sometimes I'm not good actress. My eyes can’t resist shining when I'm happy, stare people with my weak eyes when I'm not fine. But if they already know I’m not fine, I keep my stubborn. I say pointless words. Won’t tell the situation. Then my mom will get upset and little bit angry. And I’ll feel guilty then punish myself with…a question, “hey ugly! When will you grow up?”

Should I publish my problem here? It won’t be good way. For me that’s always not. That’s why I never have long lasting blog or become avid of FB. Cos I never feel alright telling anything. My mom says maybe it’s time for me get serious relationship. I know it means marry. She says maybe now is time for me to share anything with. I won’t always be able tackle anything alone. Well, some is right. But.. For me, now, in this situation, think about marry will make my head get burned. I don’t say I never think it. What I mean, I know me, my condition. I exactly know I’m not ready.
Well, it ‘s better say whatever I’m facing now will give me more understanding and brave.